Last year, when I got back from my annual pilgrimage to the land of the free, I found a hand-written, hand-delivered letter on my kitchen counter. It was a very innocent, and very sweet proposition for my hand in marriage. It read like a job application, and as job applications go, it came complete with resume, phone number, and photograph…of a person I have no recollection ever meeting.

Of course, it has been a warm, but forgotten, memory until recently. Now, I can’t divulge the minute contents of the letter as it’s probably making it’s way through the last stages of our city’s garbage system, but believe me when I say I would know his grammar-or lack thereof-and tone anywhere. Now, this lack of gammar and tone shown up in my facebook inbox, and THIS I shall divulge cause I am getting quite anxious.

    • Fiona im hapy dat ur my frnd God bles u i live in area 18 bt i know u mayb u dnt know me

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 9

    Ndazie Cal 

    • the truth iz i wnt 2 c u i hv somthing 2 tel u mayb u cn help me abt my problem so tingakumane bwanji? Kapena ungabwere ku nyumba kwanga?

    • plz im very serious

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 9

    Ndazie Cal 

    • fiona kalibu sima ndiwo zake nkhuku ya chikuda

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 10

    Ndazie Cal 

    • gud morning fiona

      *At this point I actually thought it was a girl on a looking for mentor-ship tip*

  • Fiona Odala

    February 11

    Fiona

    • Hi Ndaziona, maybe you can start by telling me how you know me.

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 12

    Ndazie Cal

    • ok wen u wil be free jst tel me we wil chart face 2 face ndidzatheka? Plz i wnt 2 meet u face 2 face im serious nthawi zambiri ndimakuwona bt ndimawopa kukulankhula serious dats y ndinakufufuza pa facebook im serious

    • ok wen u wil be free jst tel me we wil chart face 2 face zidzatheka? Plz i wnt 2 meet u face 2 face im serious nthawi zambiri ndimakuwona bt ndimawopa kukulankhula serious dats y ndinakufufuza pa facebook im serious

    • dats my # 0999555555

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 12

    Ndazie Cal

    • Fiona whats ur 4n # plz gv me i wnt 2 b charting with u im serious

      *still thinking it’s a girl*

       

  • Fiona Odala

    February 12

    Fiona

    • You are very sweet, Ndaziona. make sure u say hi to me next time u see me. nothing to be afraid of.

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 12

    Ndazie Cal 

    • Fiona i wnt 2 c u nt joke bt i wnt ur # i jst wnt 2 b charting with u i dnt know y me im serious fiona or if u r free u cn com 2 my house here in area 18 plz

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 13

    Ndazie Cal 

    • good morning Fiona

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 13

    Ndazie Cal 

    • Fiona kalibu chips with eggs

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 13

    Ndazie Cal 

    • Fiona ungone bwino bt sukumandiyankha ma text anga zikumandinkhudza anyway usiku wabwino

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 13

    Ndazie Cal 

    • fiona mavuto anga ndi awa ndidali ndi chibwenzi kuyambiri 2006 chinantha 2009 bcoz dat gril anali ndi chibwenzi chinaso busdriver adakwatirana since dat tym sindidankhaleposo ndi chibwenzi Mulungu ndi mboni yanga ndimawopa kuchitidwaso chipogwe ngati zidachitikazo bcoz makolo ankamudziwa ndiye dat tym mutu wanga sudagwire koma ndimati ndikamufusa zoti ali ndi chibwenzi china ankakana eti ndiye panopa fiona i wnt munthu wa serious nt joke sindikufunaso ngati zomwe zidachitikazo ndankhala zaka ziwiri kudikira kuti mulungu andiyankhe pemphero langa mwina ndi iweyo serious

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 13

    Ndazie Cal 

    • im last born in our family 3boyz 3grilz ose anakwatiwa ndikukwatira kupatula ine my father died wen i wz very youg i thanx to God bcoz amayi anthu adakali moyo dats my short story of my family

  • Fiona Odala

    February 13

    Fiona 

    • I’m sorry, i had no idea that’s how you feel. if you do know me then you would know i have a boyfriend whom i love without measure or censor. we see each other’s facebook accounts and he is very uncomfortable with the messages you have been sending me. i am sure you mean no harm but he says he will talk to you himself if u dont stop. Bye Ndaziona

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 14

    Ndazie Cal

    • ok tel him dat im so sory i ddn’t no dat u hv man bt its okey umupatseko moni

  • Ndazie Cal Chisale

    February 24

    Ndazie Cal

    • fiona i mis u nt joke

    • fiona i mis u nt joke i dnt no y me

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7 Responses to

  1. bobdigi says:

    fiona, im serius. i forgive you jokes, but i rly want to knw u..

  2. Muti says:

    This is a joke. You’ve made this character up or sumn.

  3. Muti says:

    Its a prank then cos a real stalker wuldve been postn like a bitch on every one of ur blog entries/fb etc.

    Bet its Thobe or Luba.

  4. bobdigi says:

    I feel sorry for you.

    ..but also think it’s really funny.

  5. boobsetal says:

    muti, he is my friend on my other account, where i say yes to errbody (thats y come we are even friends on fb.) and that account doesnt get updates about my blog. the reason i dont think its a prank is bcz of the cell# which he keeps providing, and the initial real life photograph. why do u think it’s a prank?
    Bobdigi, it was funny the 1st time but now it’s just kinda creepy…i’ve never made up a boyfriend before. ive always thought that’s kinda lame. like why not just say u are not interested, but i dont think he understands that.

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